Let's see: "Kingdom of Heaven?" Dreary. "Elizabethtown?" To quote the NYTimes' A.O. Scott: "Mr. Bloom distinguishes himself, in this performance as in most of his others, by his steadfast reluctance to explore his range as an actor." "Pirates of the Carribean?" Johnny Depp wipes the floor with him.
What's a fast-deflating dreamboat gotta do? Try the stage. Mr. Bloom just had his professional stage debut in the West End revival of David Storey’s play, "In Celebration." The reviews are mixed, but more like yawns than thumbs-ups.
BRAVO: "Bloom lends Steven [his character] exactly the right sense of haunted taciturnity and withdrawn moodiness." -- Michael Billington, The Guardian
COULDN'T CARE: "Orlando Bloom exhibits a faultless modesty. His character Steven, a discouraged teacher, stuttering novelist and father of four, is a silent, moody introvert. He says very little and rarely commands the stage." -- Michael Coveney, WhatsOnStage.com
"A brilliantined and moustached Orlando Bloom spends the entire evening looking pale and interesting. It’s not a challenging role but he remembers his lines and doesn’t bump into the furniture." -- Charles Spencer, The Daily Telegraph
BOO!: "Bloom's sexual charisma and androgynous prettiness before the camera vanishes clean away on the stage's more distant perspective. He stands around looking caddish in his pencil-thin moustache, blankly disengaged and forever bathed in boredom." -- Nicholas de Jongh, Evening Standard
Mr. Bloom should go back to being Legolas. He's more interesting as a blonde.