Thursday, September 27, 2007

So bad it's good

Just the sort of aggravation I need on a tense, toxic workday: a pukey press release. Take a look at this instant classic. I've taken out all the identifying details (I can be merciful) but left untouched the lines that induce simultaneous giggling and gagging. Feel free to do so.

The version that will see print is an entirely new piece--shorter (from 2,175 characters to 754), no-frills, useful. Loved hacking away ruthlessly, but I ended up doing the job of the PR doofus behind this frothy piece of crap.

In small doses, bad press releases make me laugh, exercise my gut and are good stress-busters. But something this bad can be scary, too. The thought of having to plow through similar hogwash for the rest of my working life gives me the shivers. Perhaps I should take my revenge by compiling them into a book.

She arrives, her highness, gliding past smitten spectators, in a graceful promenade amid a valiant convoy of escorts, headed towards the grand manor, ardent to do the honor of unveiling the most eminent brand of style and elegance. She cuts the tassel, strides in with the whole entourage and marks the milestone in fashion history lavishing from the exquisitely elegant garments au fond, down to the Victorian-embellished interiors.

Yes, the ravishing dame who swept them all off their feet was [name of fashion store's] image model--television's hottest and most fashionable [name of a young celebrity--erm, actually a minor one]. From her grand entrance following the ribbon cutting to her portrait signing in the store's receiving area, the afternoon affair was indeed far from prosaic. In fact, luster was literally all over the brilliant geniuses behind [name of store], lovely and dazzling [minor celeb], and the gleaming expressions of awe of fashion enthusiasts who graced the event.

There's enough reason why [name of store] has gone beyond being just another brand in the fashion enterprise. It's a zenith of a venture bound by a partnership that shares an infinite passion and fascination to conceive the essentials of vogue and style in women's fashion... [Its] newly opened branch brings shoppers to a fanciful escapism merged in reality with the intricacy and novelty of their designs in a Victorian-style milieu. The sultry collection revives the timeless intricacy of la femme baroque designs... with neoteric patterns and plains. It's a whole new level of fashion emanating from antiquity and modernism in world-class designs that embrace the beauty in every woman's body.


Karlo said...

Err, that long and winding was a press release? Aren't PRs supposed to be direct to the point and simple? Some people sure are funny. :)

beektur said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
beektur said...

(Shakes head, feeling sorry for his friend. But suddenly smiles mischievously, thinking, "Right! Said friend, is now thinking of coming up with a book on the Great Unreadables.") Dominic Dunne channeling Kitty Go?

rickyzoo said...

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! naknampu! ribbon cutting lang e...

joelmcvie said...

Wow, that writer really gave the thesaurus a rigorous workout.

Jay said...

Great article, would you mind if I share this @

rina said...

shouldn't you punish them by not publishing anything at all? anyway, since you are, kelan ba lalabas to? i should watch out for the cleaned up version and see how you did it :)

Victor said...

Bullseye!!!!!!! and Bingo!!!!!

Na-hit nya yung niche market nya.
Galing nya ha, in fairness!


blogOloco said...

not bad at all.

@jay - it's very nice of you to ask permission. i'm sure he wouldn't mind so long as you include a link of where it came from.

utakGAGO said...

HAHA that was waaaaaay deeper. Lol. It's like a novel!

Jen said...

maybe the writer was in a mood to make a novel : - ) very wordy indeed. I guess it was creative but not really right for a press release.

Gypsy said...

Grabe, para akong minudmud ng Johnson's baby cologne na floral scent..hehe.

Jap said...

Maybe he's paid by the adjective? Dunno hehehe amusing though =)

stevie said...

Bading siguro ang nag sulat niyang press release na iyan. Words like ravishing, luster, millieu give him/her away. Hehe.

I'm just trying to figure out what store and who celebrity are the subjects of the press release, but "Victorian-inspired" should not be hard to find.

gibbs cadiz said...

KARLO, haha, you said it! :)

BEEKTUR, what do you think? a good retirement option? hehe. :)

RICKYZOO, my point exactly! ribbon-cutting lang, sinulat na parang coronation or something, haha. :)

McVIE, and gave me a huge headache too, hay. :)

RINA, that's always an option, but the reality is, when you have so many pages to fill, you need every scrap you can use. that means having to use even the crappy releases--overhauled if need be. many of them actually contain information that's useful and of value to readers, except that the writing often sucks. :)

VICTOR, the target market meaning--the shallow, vapid, vacuous one? tama ba? hahaha. :)

BLOGOLOCO, which one is not bad at all? :)

KEVIN, hey, nice to see ya here! you're 16 years old and you'll wipe the floor with the so-called writer of this PR piece, hehe. :)

JEN, hehe, even for a creative piece, it's baaad. :)

GYPSY, nenucco kaya? :)

JAP, haha, alam mo, tubong lugaw talaga ang PR business for SOME firms (di ko nilalahat). they hire these really third-rate writers to churn out substandard copy that their clients don't even get to see kasi dinideretso na ipadala sa mga diyaryo, and the editors end up doing their work. haay. :)

STEVIE, wait wait, what has sexual orientation got to do with good or bad writing? gay people can write purple prose, but so can straights. :)

Karlo said...

I accidentally deleted my other comment, stupid me. So here's my comment again:

Err, that long and winding thing was a press release? Aren't PRs supposed to be direct to the point and simple. Some people sure are funny. :)

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