Friday, December 21, 2007

Simon says

The late John Simon--literary, film and theater maven--was perhaps the crabbiest, meanest and most cantankerous critic of them all. Not that he didn't write well; precisely because he did, his vicious potshots often pierced through and drew blood. A sampling:

"Kevin Costner...throughout the movie, displays the sensitivity and eloquence of a pizza delivery man."

"The insufferably smug and woodchuck-cheeked Minnie Driver proffers what the French call a tete a gifler--a face begging to be slapped."

"She has only two things going for her--a father and a mother."--on Liza Minnelli, daughter of legendary singer-actress Judy Garland and the director Vincente Minnelli

"The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli."--on Shelley Duvall

"Miss Garland's figure resembles the giant-economy-size toothpaste in girls' bathrooms. Squeezed intemperately at all points, it acquires a shape that defies definition by the most resourceful solid geometrician."--on Judy Garland

"He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog."--on Walter Matthau

"A cross between an aardvark and an albino rat surmounted by a platinum-coated horse bun... Her acting consists entirely of fishily thrusting out her lips, sounding like a cabbie bellyaching at breakneck speed, and throwing her weight around."--on Barbra Streisand

"Young Mr. Mostel, who manages the difficult feat of reaching the grotesque while totally bypassing the funny, has not inherited any of the Mostel from his father, only the Zero."--on Josh Mostel, son of film-stage actor Zero Mostel

"She comes across like one of those inanimate objects, say, a cupboard or a grandfather clock, which is made in certain humorous shorts to act, through trick photography, like people."--on Cybill Shepherd

Mean, mean, mean. Haylavet.


Hilda said...

Ooh, nasty! Love it too. =D

beektur said...

he sounds like he spends his whole day constructing a dismissive remark and running his finger through a celebrity list to look for who can match that remark. is it because he is british or because he has simon in his name that he tries to sound witty but only ends up being tiresome?

the spy in the sandwich said...

i love snark, but this one ... well, he seems content in wallowing mostly in the appearances of the actors and not the talent, which may make him the worst kind of shallow

vincedejesus said...

Compared to him, bigla kang naging santo Gibbs!!!
Har har har.

pat said...

i've no idea who he was but i wish he lived longer. sa impyerno siya napunta for sure.

Anonymous said...

agree with bktur...

talk about taking things out of context.

eh kung meron magsabing..
those remarks, only a faggot can write... aber

Anonymous said...

"witty" remarks like these, only faggots like gibbs could lav

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