Monday, August 17, 2009

A Judd Apatow script--if Judd Apatow were, uhm, one of us

Chatter you won't hear in polite company--but we were having fun, so sue us. Sorry to ruin your breakfast, though.

[Cribbed from Mcvie, the “I” in the story]

Because Joaqui Miguel wanted to cement his status as an “extra virgin” (a title no one believes anyway), he asked us what crabs were.

Gibbs said, “Crabs is basically pubic lice.”

I chimed in, “They make you itch down there. Very itchy.”

Gibbs added, “If you wear white underwear and you see those little spots, that’s a sign that you have crabs. But they’re easy to get rid of, just use Qwell. It’s an anti-lice shampoo.”

“Well you can shave,” I said. “But that doesn’t guarantee you’ll get rid of them all. You can try using tweezers and get them one by one, hahaha! I mean, they’re small but you can still see them.”

JohnStan, who also claims to be a virgin sans the “extra” label, and who was quiet the whole time (in a bid for consistency of behavior that sadly did not convince any of us at all), asked, “So if you’re not wearing white underwear, you won’t see the spots?”

“Well, just wear white underwear to spot them!” Gibbs replied.

“Are crabs considered STD?” Joaqui asked.

Gibbs paused. “Well, they’re not a disease per se,” he answered. “But they are passed on during sex.”

“The lice can just jump from pubic hair to pubic hair,” I explained.

“But they’re not a disease,” Gibbs reiterated. “So I guess they’re sexually transmitted, uhm, insects?”

“Aaay, STI?! Hahahaha!”

“Sexually transmitted organisms?” Gibbs said with a smile.

I took a crack as it. “How about sexually transmitted creatures?”

Gibbs: “Sexually transmitted beasts?” Then a silly idea dawned on him. “What if they’re actual crabs, noh? As in the crustacean ones?”

“Hahaha!” JohnStan burst out laughing. “They’d be painful not itchy.”

“What if they’re actually elephants?” I wondered out loud. “Sexually transmitted elephants! They’ll be so big, you can’t miss ‘em.”

“Hahaha! How about sexually transmitted emus?”

“Hahaha! How about sexually transmitted walrus?”

“Hahaha! How about sexually transmitted platypus?”

“Hahaha! How about sexually transmitted pandaca pygmaea?”

“Hahaha! How about sexually transmitted tarsiers?”

“Ahahaha! They’ll be hanging on to your pubic hair like this.” And Gibbs pretended he was the world’s smallest marsupial clinging onto a branch.

Thank god we’re not Gods during creation, thinking of ways to make Man’s stay on earth a little more inconvenient.

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