Tuesday, June 14, 2011

How to open a show

First, write a witty script that sparkles with class while also accommodating words like sodomy (the kudos, in this case, go the composers of the previously Tony-nominated Cry-Baby). Second, get the fabulous Neil Patrick Harris to deliver it. Third, have it announce nothing less than a tectonic shift in culture: Cause it's not just for gays, it's not just for gays--we'd be twice as proud to have you if you go both ways--Broadway is not just for gays anymore!

The complete lyrics, from here--because they are simply irresistible:

Performed by host Neil Patrick Harris and ensemble members from the various Tony-nominated productions, the song was titled "Not Just for Gays Anymore." The lyrics for this specialty number as well as Harris' introduction and banter with several celebrities in the audience follow:

Neil Patrick Harris: Good evening! I'm teen heartthrob Neil Patrick Harris. It's an honor to be back hosting the 65th Annual Tony Awards, and I'd like to deliver a very important message on behalf of all of us who care so deeply about this community.

If you've seen a show, then you already know how magical theatre can be. It's a two-hour, live-action, barely affordable, un-lip-synced version of "Glee." So, this song goes out to the rest of you--those who've never seen theatre before--because Broadway has never been broader--it's not just for gays any more!

If you feel like someone that this world excludes, it's no longer only for dudes who like dudes.

Attention every breeder, your invited to the theatre. It's not just for gays anymore.

The glamour of Broadway is beckoning straights—the people who marry in all 50 states.

We're asking every hetero to get to know us better-o. It's not just for gays anymore!

It's for fine, upstanding Christians who know all the songs from Grease.

It's for sober-minded businessmen who yearn for some release.

So, put down your Playboy and go make a plan to pick up a Playbill and feel like a man.

There's so much to discover with your different-gendered lover.

It's not just for gays, the gays and the Jews, and cousins in from out of town you have to amuse, and the sad, embittered malcontents who write the reviews, and also foreign tourists, and the groups of senior citizens and well-to-do suburbanites and liberal intellectuals —though that group is really only Jews and homosexuals—I've lost my train of thought.

Oh yes, it's not just for gays anymore.

See what I'm talking about? Thank you. Wow! You can smell the testosterone in the room, can't you? Look at this place—it's full of straight people. Angela Lansbury, you're super-hot. Are those things real? Stephen Colbert, you're straight as they come. Any thoughts?

Stephen Colbert: I enjoy the theatre. I've enjoyed it all my life. I enjoy it with my female woman wife.

Neil Patrick Harris: Nice. Don't we all, Stephen. Look at all these straight people. James Earl Jones, you're straight. Vanessa Redgrave, you're straight. Joe Mantello—thanks for coming. Brooke Shields, you're super-hot. You made me believe I was straight for 23 years.

Brooke Shields: When I'm up on stage, there's lots of men who like to watch. In fact, one guy sent a Twit-pic of his crotch.

Bobby Cannavale: Broadway touches parts of me that never have been touched. I love it very CENSORED much.

Neil Patrick Harris: We've got swarms of Mormons, showgirls, sailors, dancing boys and nuns, plus a Spider facing, death-defying, budget over-runs.

So, people from Red states, and people from Blue, a big Broadway rainbow is waiting for you.

Come in and be inspired, there's no sodomy required.

Cause it's not just for gays, it's not just for gays—we'd be twice as proud to have you if you go both ways—Broadway is not just for gays anymore!


bienvenido said...

this is so fucking good!

wolverine has opened the oscars before, maybe doggie howser should too. pronto!

Jeff Cape said...

Sobrang benta rin yung duet nila ni Hugh Jackman. Hahaha :)

Anonymous said...

torrent of the tony awards already availabe. and in HD format mind you :)

gibbs cadiz said...

agree--bienvenido! :)

yep, jeff, toe-to-toe talent and hotness! :)

thanks for the heads-up, anonymous! :)

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